Another Sleepless Night

It's going to be a long night. All of a sudden I just burst into tears. I hate this feeling. Not being able to sleep. Trying to calm myself down by listening to music, but hasn't helped. I hate this. I hate feeling alone. Alone. Overwhelmed about this situation. My life is just so complicated right now. How do I pretend that nothing happened? I want to be brave and think positive, but it's difficult when all I can remember is being there. Feeling cold and afraid. Afraid of what of not understanding what was going on. I pretend or at least try to convince myself that nothing you did to me can hurt me anymore, but it is still so vivid in my mind. Your smell, your touch, your dirty hands, your perverted words. How can that go away? No matter how much I blast the radio to drown the thoughts, it's still so difficult. It's like having a recorder in my head, playing the same terror movie over and over and over again. No matter how many years have passed it's still as if it was yesterday. I try not to take myself there, but how can I, when any little thing reminds me of you. You, you did this to me. It's worse at night, when darkness falls. The silence just drives me  crazy. I try to sleep, but am afraid too. Any sound even the softest frightens me. Reminds me of when you used to come and do what you need and leave. I try to sleep, but am to afraid of closing my eyes and seeing your huge shadow standing over my bed.  When I do fall asleep, I usually awaken to a feeling of you on top of me. Not being able to move. The horrible suffocating feeling of you.

THE PAST

I was 6 yrs old when I began getting molested by someone that should have loved me and taken care of me. I was molested until I turned 13 yrs old. Yes, on my 13th birthday my present was rape. Happy birthday to me! The rape continued until I was 16 yrs old. I would avoid him as much as possible. When I turned 19 yrs old, I met a 40 yr old man in college. He swept me off my feet. Soon after I moved in with him. He was so caring. He loved me, so I thought. It wasn't to long when he started verbally abusing me. He would push me once in a while, but he wouldn't hit me. I thought it was ok since he financially provided for me. I had no one. He was the only one. He would force me to have sex when ever he demanded it. Even when I was ill, like the night after my car accident. When I graduated from nursing school it got worse. He began hitting me. He would accuse me of cheating on him with the doctors and the male nurses from work. I became pregnant by him. Two months later I miscarried. I was glad. I didn't want anything of his. I didn't want a child into that relationship. I had two surgeries from the miscarriage. On one of my doctors visit, my doctor noticed the bruises. He confronted me about the bruises- chest, abdomen, arms, thighs, and legs. I was to embarrassed to tell him. I worked for him in the hospital. What was he going to think. A nurse who couldn't even care for herself.  He took pictures of my bruised body and documented. He notified the police. My ex was arrested. He only served one year in prison. My doctor helped along the way. He helped me get a protective order. I continued working for one more year, but I was not doing well emotionally and physically. I resigned from my job as a nurse. I couldn't function. It's been 3 yrs, and I can't seem to get my life back together again. I left everything and traveled for a couple years. I just recently came back to my hometown. I'm trying to get back into life, but it's been difficult. I pray each and everyday that God gives me the strength to be able to at least live a so called 'normal' life. The ironic thing about all this situation is that as a nurse, I helped out two of my patients to get out of an abusive situation, but I never did anything to get out of mine.

Can I Survive The Healing Process?

Ok, I should be thankful, for having survived my past. Great. Thank you God, but how do I survive the healing process? I've been to my 6 th appointment to the crisis center. I thought that I would be much better after 1 month 1/2. Well, I only feel worse. I can't sleep at nights. I'm having terrible nightmares. I am so emotionally and physically tired. I force myself to stay awake, because I am afraid of what the night will bring. If I do fall asleep, I'm usually awaken in the middle of night by the bad dreams. The nightmares haunt me most every night. The most I sleep is about 1 or 2 hrs every 3 days. I am exhausted!! Most the time I am not hungry, just nauseated. Sometimes I wish I had never gone for counseling, I think I was doing well without it. I don't know how long I will be like this, how long do I have to suffer like this. I just hope God listens to my prayers. All I want is to feel better and feel safe at night. I want to sleep!!!