Today I Said A Little Prayer

I have been thinking of the miscarriage I had four years ago. The baby would have been 4 years old, November 27^th. Hard for me to accept that I could have had a child that age. He or she would have been in school by now. How would it had been like? I don’t know. It has been years since the miscarriage, every year comes and goes and I try not to place any thought to it.
Since the day of the miscarriage, I had suppressed all my emotions. I try not to feel anything for it. I was so sad, when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want to accept the pregnancy, so for me the miscarriage was good news. Don’t get me wrong, I do love children, but I didn’t want any until later in life, when I was in a stable relationship. When I had worked out some issues in my life and I knew I could provide a child with love.

I look back and remember feeling so relieved that I no longer had to carry that child. His child. After the D&C, I went home from the hospital and slept. The next day I went to work and carried out with my life as if nothing happened. I don’t remember feeling anything. I was in a daze. It was so surreal. If I did, I just worked through it. I tried to keep myself busy, so that I didn’t have to think about it.

Every November, I go about as if nothing. I try not to think about it. I just Thank God that he took it away. Sounds evil, but that is what has kept me somewhat sane.

This year has been different. Maybe that emptiness that I have felt for years is because I am grieving the loss of it. I never allowed myself to grieve. Never aloud myself to feel angry. I have never cried for it. I made myself believe that since it was never born, that I need not feel anything for it.

I have been feeling sad and angry about this. Sad because I loss a part of me. I loss my child. I start thinking about what it would have been like if this baby had been born and I cry. I think of how different things would have been. I wonder if I would have had a baby girl or boy. I have this empty hallow feeling inside. This emptiness that nothing can comfort. No matter how much I cried the emptiness is still there. The anger comes from not allowing myself to feel anything. For being so immature. I am also angry for having felt such hate towards this innocent baby.

Today I said a little prayer for him. I allowed myself to cry for the first time. To grieve my loss. I grieve not having had the chance to hold him. I allowed myself to feel for my baby. I apologized for not wanting to feel for his loss and saying that I didn’t want him. I am not a terrible person, I would have loved my baby no matter what.