I have been so overwhelmed, disappointed, sad, and angry at life. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed because I have been mad at God and have questioned His plans for me. I feel that I have been selfish and that God is punished me for my past. I know that God doesn't punish us and that He loves us all, but sometimes things just happen that makes you question His plans.
On Feb 22nd, I found out I was pregnant. It was such an amazing surprise. I was very excited. I couldn't believe it. I guess the nausea, mood swings, fatigue, weight loss...was not related to the long hours at work. I was now 2 1/2 months pregnant. I had been to busy and involved with work to have noticed the changes with my body.
The feelings were so different from the previous pregnancy. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant, but I was happy. I couldn't wait and get home to tell my boyfriend Jay. A new little life. Our new little life.
I didn't tell him right away. I planned it all out. Instead I went shopping. It felt so warm, comforting, and soothing to go into the baby stores. All the cute cuddly items. I also felt uneasy and overwhelmed. I thought of my previous pregnancy and how selfish I reacted towards it. I fought back the tears and reassured myself that it's different now. That this baby won't take the place of the other. It's ok to love this baby.
I bought a little pair of white baby shoes. I wrapped them up in a little tiny box.
The following morning I handed Jay the little white box. He opened it. He smiled. He was as surprised as I was. He was happy. I was happy. I then handed him the sonogram. We stared at it for hours. We couldn't believe it. We hadn't planned it, but he was welcomed and loved. Our baby.
On March 6th, I miscarried. I can't believe it. I just found out a couple weeks ago that I was pregnant. NOT AGAIN GOD!!! I cried and I am still crying. I am so angry, sad! I am so angry at God for having allowed this to happen. For taking my baby. For not trusting me to be able to care for this baby. I don't get it! I am also disappointed at me for not having cared for my body better. Maybe my baby would've had a chance at life.
WHY???!!! Why does God allow such a thing? Why can't God just allow me to be HAPPY? Why can't He just allow me a second chance? Does He think I'm such a screw up or that my life is so screwed up that I don't deserve a child?
I know I sound selfish right now, but I am hurting so bad. I feel so empty. I don't know how long this hurt will last. I just feel so miserable. I just want to cry until it doesn't hurt any more. I want it all to be a bad dream. Medically I know why it happened, but my heart wont accept it right now. All I have left are the little reminders-the little white baby shoes and the sonogram, of what was my and Jay's baby.
Oh Susie, I am so sorry. Are you doing any better? We don't know the answer to why God allows such things. We can only know that he has a plan for our lives, but that can be of little consolation at times like this. Someday we will know. He doesn't make bad things happen, but he can bring good out of it. Maybe someday you will meet someone who has experienced the same thing and you will be able to touch them in a way no one else can. But for now, cry and grieve the loss of your little one. Name the baby and talk to it. Pray about it and ask God if it is a boy or girl. He knew it before it was formed in your womb. That child is very real and in the arms of God. You will be reunited someday and see the little one's face in its perfected body. Listen to music and allow it to minister to you. But mostly, give yourself permission to grieve. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteGod does not think you are a screw up..it is never about us being bad but about the whole picture..something we don't know yet prohibits what we think is good for us from happening.. Sometimes being denied ..being allowed to pass through the most painful nightmares causes us to think God doesn't care.. but God does care. He is always caring.. in the middle of our disappointments an tragedies its hard to see why; later on .. we will know why. It's not your fault or anyone's fault perhaps your body was not ready for the long haul.. your health would have failed..there is a reason..just know God loves you very much xoxo
ReplyDeletejoy
Oh, I don't know of your sorrow. Only a mama who has lost a baby can know. I'm a man - so my tendency is to rush in with answers. I'm not sure you want them. I just feel like coming over and sitting with you a while - just so you know I know...you know?
ReplyDeleteI do know this, it's a broken world, it's all messed up from the original design by our sin. And in this broken world, broken things happen = and YOU get broken...again and again.
Sorry. I know I said I wasn't going to rush in with an answer - blame it on me being a man. ¯\(°_o)/¯
Anyway Susie...freefall my friend...freefall into the arms of God...it's the only safe place...not yourself...not even your boyfriend...just...God. Jesus longs to cup you close. God bless you my bloggy friend.
Susie...I so hope this post is not your last one.
ReplyDeleteGraig is so right on...this is a broken world and ALL OF US get broken...but there will come a day when God will say enough is enough and all the brokeness will end. You will see you baby again as I will see the seven that I miscarriage. God alone can heal us and use these broken clay pots we walk around in. Praying for you Susie, it sounds like you love deep so you hurt deep but there is no place too deep that God cannot heal...Praying
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ReplyDelete