I would pretend to be happy. I tried my hardest to pretend that I was normal. Trying to hide the terrible things I did each night. I was not tough, normal, nor happy. The pathetic act to cover my disgusting soul.
My soul is filled with anger and pain. I am ashamed. I let him do it, week after week. He would come and go and he did what he wanted. I hated him and I detested it. I felt like his property. I belonged to him. It was all his idea. I was his and the more he used me, the less I felt myself. He was a grown man. I love and trusted him!
I would pretend to be someone else. I would say I enjoyed him, because if I didn't, he would prob longer. I would close my eyes and pray that it would end soon. I would not fight or say anything. I would pretend to enjoy it, because he loved me. He wanted me to feel real love. He said he needed me. I needed him. I enticed him.
I was so innocent then. Only a child. Defenseless and needy. Needy for attention, for his attention.
It all started when I was six years old. So sweet and innocent. Soon I turned thirteen, better to do what he wanted me to do. Better to hold. A much better lover. So grown up.
I wasn't just a kick screw. He would have me perform all his favorite tricks. HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS PRICK OFF A LITTLE GIRL!!!! What a disgust.
All that time he made me believe that it was all my fault. He made me believe that it was just what fathers and daughters do. I NEVER WANTED IT!
He told me he didn't want to hurt me. He said that if I disobeyed him and told, he would kill me. He said it would always be just the two of us, sharing our love. He would always remind me of the "gun", when I resisted. He said that if I told anyone he would use it.
Sometimes, I would push him away. I would plead with him to leave me alone. I would tell him that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and that if he kept on coming I would tell. He made me believe it was all my fault. He called me a "bitch". He would remind me that nobody would believe me. He said that he would tell everyone that I was a tramp. That I seduced him. That I brought it on. MAYBE I DID! MAYBE IT IS TRUE!! I'm not sure. I didn't know what led a man. MAYBE I WANTED LOVE SO MUCH THAT I LED HIM INTO MY BED. I ENJOYED IT!! I led him on and into my bed. I DID EVERYTHING HE WANTED AND I DID IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, EVERY NIGHT!
It was our secret. A father-daughter's secret. He loved me and I love him.
I prayed each night. I prayed that this night would be the last. I prayed for Gods protection and for forgiveness. I prayed for HELP. I felt ashamed, alone, hurt, betrayed, and forgotten.
Hi Susie! This is so honestly written. I completely understand your pretending to be happy. I pretended so well that I even fooled myself. I would of sworn I was happy.
ReplyDeleteYou survived him Susie! You did it! Now it's item to work on forgiving yourself! It was not your fault at all! He took advantage of you from day one! You were a young child. Innocent, trusting, loving and just needed love. It was never your fault! Please give yourself a break from the torture of guilt. That is his tool.. don't let him to continue abusing you thru guilt!!!
I'm sending you much love and safe hugs! I think you can tell who I am on twitter. I just tweeted ya!!!
Susie: I know you understand intellectually that it wasn't your fault. The child part of your psyche still gets confused. You didn't entice him, but even if a child did entice an adult, it is still the adults responsibility to never, ever, take advantage of a child's vulnerability...right? Imagine a child enticing you right now. Us adults say to the child, "adults don't have sex with children." Or, "I will never sexualize this relationship." Or, "I'm not sure what you are needing from me, but I'd be happy to lend an ear or be a mentor, but I'll never have sex with you."
ReplyDeleteHope that helps. If not, thank you for sharing anyway. Many people can relate so much to your story.
Wishing you peace!
Deena
Susie: What your father did to you was very wrong and it was never your fault. Adults have a duty of care to protect children. Rapists are rapists and they are 100% responsibly for their actions. As a community we MUST work together to educate children so what happened to you will not happen to other children suitably armed with the knowledge that sex with children (whatever guise it comes under) is WRONG. Take care, you are a wonderful courageous survivor and your voice will help to move our community towards prevention.
ReplyDeleteHi Susie,
ReplyDeleteYou have a really wonderful blog which has clearly inspired and helped a lot of people to move on from sexual violence. I’m sorry if my comment seems out of place but I couldn’t find an option to message you privately. I am a postgraduate student from the UK and I am currently researching the role of blogging for survivors of sexual assault. I would really appreciate it if you could spare a couple of moments to contact me as I am interested in using your blog as part of my research, and would like to provide you with more information. My email address is: Lalita.shrestha@stu.mmu.ac.uk.
Thank you so much for your time. Have a great day and I wish you all the best in your journey to healing.
Lalita
Thank you for sharing your story. I am writing a book for teens on sexual assault and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your story. Thank you -Olivia projectwhathappened@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I am writing a book for teens on sexual assault and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your story. Thank you -Olivia projectwhathappened@gmail.com
ReplyDelete