Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Emotional
This month has been very difficult for me. I have been very Emotional. The weather hasn’t helped much as you can see from the picture. The days have been cold, gloomy, and short. Foggy at times and rainy as well. Most days are cloudy, very few days have been sunny.
I feel: Empty. Alone. Sad. Shameful. Frustrated . Angry. Doubtful. Hurt. Raw. Confused. Afraid. Helpless. Dirty. Betrayed. Suffocating. Broken Down. A Mess. Pain. Imprisoned.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Celebrating Is Much Worse Than Having It Forgotten
December has been very difficult for me, my birthday. It was supposed to be my day. My 13th Birthday. It was a happy day. I had come home from Young Life, it was 11:00 pm. That horrible cold night, many years ago. The night he came into me. The night he decided to take my virginity. The night I didn’t fight back. The terrible night I wished I had never been born.
How I wish I had just died. I was so terrified. I didn’t know what to do. His filthy body covering me. His rough hands rubbing me all over. His disgusting breath as he whispered how much I had grown up. “Don’t cry, lay still! Be a good girl.” How could I not cry? It hurt so bad. The throbbing burning pain. “You’re a good girl.” I dreaded it. “Don’t fight!” I didn’t want to. “I am not going to hurt you, but I will kill you if I thought you were talking to anybody.”
Damn him!!! I hated it. I just wanted it to end so bad! So I was a good girl and did everything he told me. I did it over and over!! I was only a child.
Today I still live with the voices, the scars, and the screams. I can’t forget the threats. I carry his madness, and perverted distorted acts in my heart. My soul is filled with anger and pain. I am ashamed and angry at my self for letting him do it. All I want to do for my birthday is run away and hide. I want to run away as far as possible from everything. I want to be free from all this hurt. I want to hide, find a rock and go under it. I don’t want anybody close. I just want to be left alone. How I wish I could just disappear, but no matter how much I try to hide or run away from it, it will always be there. I would think that as time pass, it would get better. It hasn’t.
It’s been years and it still feels as if it happened yesterday. I hate it. I hate him. The reminders are everywhere. Every year the same pain. I feel sad and angry. No matter what I do. I hate it, I hate feeling this way. I don’t think anything can help me fill this darkness. The deep down hurt and disgust. I’m trying so damn hard to fight all this, but it is becoming to hard and frustrating. Why did this happen? Why did he hurt me? How can I just get on with my life? He will never know what it is like to live this way, to go through this every birthday while he is out there living his normal life. I can’t forget. I try to pretend this madness never happened. I don’t want to believe it. I want to forget. To celebrate my birthday is much worse than having it forgotten.
How I wish I had just died. I was so terrified. I didn’t know what to do. His filthy body covering me. His rough hands rubbing me all over. His disgusting breath as he whispered how much I had grown up. “Don’t cry, lay still! Be a good girl.” How could I not cry? It hurt so bad. The throbbing burning pain. “You’re a good girl.” I dreaded it. “Don’t fight!” I didn’t want to. “I am not going to hurt you, but I will kill you if I thought you were talking to anybody.”
Damn him!!! I hated it. I just wanted it to end so bad! So I was a good girl and did everything he told me. I did it over and over!! I was only a child.
Today I still live with the voices, the scars, and the screams. I can’t forget the threats. I carry his madness, and perverted distorted acts in my heart. My soul is filled with anger and pain. I am ashamed and angry at my self for letting him do it. All I want to do for my birthday is run away and hide. I want to run away as far as possible from everything. I want to be free from all this hurt. I want to hide, find a rock and go under it. I don’t want anybody close. I just want to be left alone. How I wish I could just disappear, but no matter how much I try to hide or run away from it, it will always be there. I would think that as time pass, it would get better. It hasn’t.
It’s been years and it still feels as if it happened yesterday. I hate it. I hate him. The reminders are everywhere. Every year the same pain. I feel sad and angry. No matter what I do. I hate it, I hate feeling this way. I don’t think anything can help me fill this darkness. The deep down hurt and disgust. I’m trying so damn hard to fight all this, but it is becoming to hard and frustrating. Why did this happen? Why did he hurt me? How can I just get on with my life? He will never know what it is like to live this way, to go through this every birthday while he is out there living his normal life. I can’t forget. I try to pretend this madness never happened. I don’t want to believe it. I want to forget. To celebrate my birthday is much worse than having it forgotten.
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