I would pretend to be happy. I tried my hardest to pretend that I was normal. Trying to hide the terrible things I did each night. I was not tough, normal, nor happy. The pathetic act to cover my disgusting soul.
My soul is filled with anger and pain. I am ashamed. I let him do it, week after week. He would come and go and he did what he wanted. I hated him and I detested it. I felt like his property. I belonged to him. It was all his idea. I was his and the more he used me, the less I felt myself. He was a grown man. I love and trusted him!
I would pretend to be someone else. I would say I enjoyed him, because if I didn't, he would prob longer. I would close my eyes and pray that it would end soon. I would not fight or say anything. I would pretend to enjoy it, because he loved me. He wanted me to feel real love. He said he needed me. I needed him. I enticed him.
I was so innocent then. Only a child. Defenseless and needy. Needy for attention, for his attention.
It all started when I was six years old. So sweet and innocent. Soon I turned thirteen, better to do what he wanted me to do. Better to hold. A much better lover. So grown up.
I wasn't just a kick screw. He would have me perform all his favorite tricks. HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS PRICK OFF A LITTLE GIRL!!!! What a disgust.
All that time he made me believe that it was all my fault. He made me believe that it was just what fathers and daughters do. I NEVER WANTED IT!
He told me he didn't want to hurt me. He said that if I disobeyed him and told, he would kill me. He said it would always be just the two of us, sharing our love. He would always remind me of the "gun", when I resisted. He said that if I told anyone he would use it.
Sometimes, I would push him away. I would plead with him to leave me alone. I would tell him that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and that if he kept on coming I would tell. He made me believe it was all my fault. He called me a "bitch". He would remind me that nobody would believe me. He said that he would tell everyone that I was a tramp. That I seduced him. That I brought it on. MAYBE I DID! MAYBE IT IS TRUE!! I'm not sure. I didn't know what led a man. MAYBE I WANTED LOVE SO MUCH THAT I LED HIM INTO MY BED. I ENJOYED IT!! I led him on and into my bed. I DID EVERYTHING HE WANTED AND I DID IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, EVERY NIGHT!
It was our secret. A father-daughter's secret. He loved me and I love him.
I prayed each night. I prayed that this night would be the last. I prayed for Gods protection and for forgiveness. I prayed for HELP. I felt ashamed, alone, hurt, betrayed, and forgotten.
