Here goes, it has been difficult for me to find an entry for my blog. You see expressing myself either through writing or speaking to someone about it is very nerve wrecking for me. I cannot find the right words to express my feelings on paper and when it comes to talking to someone in person I just seem to clam up. The fear of letting someone into my deepest thoughts and emotions just overwhelms me.
I started the blog in hopes that I would be able to express myself and begin finding closure for my life. When my former therapist suggested I write down my feelings and thoughts on paper that’s when I decided that maybe blogging about it would help me more. I did enter a few entries to my blog, but it’s the most difficult thing I have done. Trying to place my emotions on paper is terrifying. I can write my story without any problem, but adding emotions and finding the words to express my emotions is something so awkward. I want to be able to express myself without worrying and being afraid of what will come out of my true feelings.
As a child, I learned to keep quiet. {Never disobey your parents. Always do what you are told. Never ask just do it. Don’t talk about how you feel. Don’t cry, What are they going to say if they see you crying? You better not be talking to anyone. They are going to think you’re crazy. You are going to break up the family. You’re crazy. God will punish you. You are going to hell.} All through my childhood, teenage years, and adult life that’s all I know to do, keep quiet, if not I will go to hell.
For the past couple of weeks, I have debated whether I should continue to blog and even write about my experiences as a survivor. I had come to the conclusion that I should take my blog down. That I am just wasting my time and that I was not getting any where with this. I felt that I was not being true to myself and my blog followers. I kept on asking myself, “What do I have to offer, if I can’t be true to my emotions?” I started blogging in order to be able to express myself and to be able to at least spread the word on child sexual abuse, rape, and domestic violence. I felt that maybe through my story and daily struggle to sanity that I could make a difference, but somehow I was not seeing any changes. My entries are all just to dark and without any positive outlook. Nothing that shows that I am on my way to getting better. I am emotionally stuck. If I can call it that.
Today after long thought, I am not deleting my blog. I believe God answered my question. Just be silent and you’ll get an answer. Or for me be patient. Nothing changes over night. Today I spent my whole day tweeting with other bloggers and survivors of abuse and/or rape. I found out something very meaningful and heartwarming. I found out that through this blog I am making a difference in many people’s lives. As the day progressed I was seeing more tweets geared towards me about how inspirational and amazing I am and how they like my blog. Some tweets read: “keep on doing what you doing, you are amazing”; “you are a better person “; “u are doing important work”; “thanks for the inspiration”; “Thank your for seeing all that is beautiful(you), for sharing your journey & walking with purpose”; “TU for sharing love+strength despite what you’ve been through…”; “ you inspire me & at least once a day I smile b/c of u”; and many more. WOW for me to read all the kindness and support just brought me to tears, but tears of joy. I am actually doing something worth while and people are taking time to read and comment on my life. I am overwhelmed with emotion.
I had not opened my blog since Dec. 20th, but today after all my debating, this is my first entry of 2012. Sorry for such a long entry, but I felt the need to express how I felt about my blog.
I would like to express my gratitude for all the support and encouragement I have gotten from all my followers and the kind people who take time to read my blog. Thank you for the kind words and comments left on both the blog and on twitter @SusieU_11. It really means a lot to me. Thank you for being patient as I am new to blogging. Please feel free to comment on either the blog or on my twitter account @SusieU_11. I really appreciate all your feedback.
My journey to recovery is still in progress. It is looking like to be a long and difficult battle, but knowing that I have all this support and love is only going to make it easy and worth the fight. I know I can do it and I wont give up!!
Thank you again for visiting my blog. Oh and sorry to have made this too long and for rambling on and on. I said I had a difficult time expressing my emotions, I didn’t say I had a difficult time writing.
Luv,
Susie
PS: Look for future blog entries as I share more of myself.
