I have been so overwhelmed, disappointed, sad, and angry at life. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed because I have been mad at God and have questioned His plans for me. I feel that I have been selfish and that God is punished me for my past. I know that God doesn't punish us and that He loves us all, but sometimes things just happen that makes you question His plans.
On Feb 22nd, I found out I was pregnant. It was such an amazing surprise. I was very excited. I couldn't believe it. I guess the nausea, mood swings, fatigue, weight loss...was not related to the long hours at work. I was now 2 1/2 months pregnant. I had been to busy and involved with work to have noticed the changes with my body.
The feelings were so different from the previous pregnancy. I was shocked to find out I was pregnant, but I was happy. I couldn't wait and get home to tell my boyfriend Jay. A new little life. Our new little life.
I didn't tell him right away. I planned it all out. Instead I went shopping. It felt so warm, comforting, and soothing to go into the baby stores. All the cute cuddly items. I also felt uneasy and overwhelmed. I thought of my previous pregnancy and how selfish I reacted towards it. I fought back the tears and reassured myself that it's different now. That this baby won't take the place of the other. It's ok to love this baby.
I bought a little pair of white baby shoes. I wrapped them up in a little tiny box.
The following morning I handed Jay the little white box. He opened it. He smiled. He was as surprised as I was. He was happy. I was happy. I then handed him the sonogram. We stared at it for hours. We couldn't believe it. We hadn't planned it, but he was welcomed and loved. Our baby.
On March 6th, I miscarried. I can't believe it. I just found out a couple weeks ago that I was pregnant. NOT AGAIN GOD!!! I cried and I am still crying. I am so angry, sad! I am so angry at God for having allowed this to happen. For taking my baby. For not trusting me to be able to care for this baby. I don't get it! I am also disappointed at me for not having cared for my body better. Maybe my baby would've had a chance at life.
WHY???!!! Why does God allow such a thing? Why can't God just allow me to be HAPPY? Why can't He just allow me a second chance? Does He think I'm such a screw up or that my life is so screwed up that I don't deserve a child?
I know I sound selfish right now, but I am hurting so bad. I feel so empty. I don't know how long this hurt will last. I just feel so miserable. I just want to cry until it doesn't hurt any more. I want it all to be a bad dream. Medically I know why it happened, but my heart wont accept it right now. All I have left are the little reminders-the little white baby shoes and the sonogram, of what was my and Jay's baby.
