Letting Go

"It's getting hard to fight. I feel defeated. I don't want to break down. I don't want to mess anything up. I want it to feel right to be alright.  I thought that with time, it all was going to get better. It has not. I am so scared.

I have been feeling as if I have been fighting a battle with myself. I have always been a perfectionist in everything I do. I have always carried well, no matter what. I always smile even if inside I am dying. I have control over everything, who I trust, who I let into my life, and how I want to be treated. No one can control me or my emotions. I control when I cry and how much I cry. No one will ever be allowed to hurt me or make me feel vulnerable ever again, because I have control over my life and who enters into it. Poised, prim and proper, the smile, the many faces of perfection.

But in reality my perfection and control are faltering. I feel like letting go. My heart is breaking. I feel I can't hold on to all this any longer. Everything is getting so difficult to deal with. I just want to be held tight and reassured that everything will be alright. I want to crawl into a hole and cry and never come out. 

It's like  living  on the edge, hanging from a ledge, too scared to hold the hand that wants to help."

I am hurting so much that I decided to go for therapy. I can't explain it, but felt that I needed to go to therapy. I always walk out of counseling when it's getting close to talking of what happened. I usually leave therapy on the first couple of sessions. This time I feel it is different. I walked into the center, I didn't have an appointment. I was seen the same day. Usually there's a 3 day waiting period to be seen. I guess God is watching over me and He feels it's the right time. The right time to "let go".

My therapist's name is Alice. She seems very nice and caring. After the introduction and get to know session, she asked me why I was there and what I want to get out of the therapy. She didn't have to ask anything else...I just blurted it out loud "I am here because I was molested and raped by my father from the age of 6 years old until the age of 16. I want to be able to live without the nightmares." 

I said it! I had never said it out loud to anyone. "My father raped me." It was so surreal. It felt as if someone else had said it. Such a relief and no one told be to shut up. No one said that I wasn't allowed to talk about it. No one slapped me when I said it. No one said I was going to hell.  It was as if I had taken back my voice.  The voice that had been quieted for many years. My voice.

I had wanted to say it for many years, but I was to afraid of breaking down and not be able to stop crying. I did cry and I didn't break down. The therapist reassured me that it is going to be alright. That it is going to be difficult, but that the worst part is over. That I survived the abuse and that I am strong enough to survive the recovery. 

Finally, I stepped up. I will let go. My abuse is just a part of me of my past. It does not define me nor will I let it define me. I will not allow the b******s that hurt me take anymore of my life. I will no longer allow myself to pretend to be who I am not. I owe it to myself. I won't hide or run away from my feelings. I can't love myself at the expense of someone else. Besides what do I have to lose, I have already lived the nightmare.  I can't break anymore than what I am already.

"" There's comfort in knowing you don't have to pretend anymore, you're going to do everything in your power to heal."". ~E. Bass