A Least You're Alive

     “At least you’re alive.” Someone once told me this. Alive?!! I keep on trying to wrap my brain around this. Yes, I am alive. Yes, I have a whole life ahead of me. Yes, I can choose how to live my life from now and in the future. But can you actually call this “a live”?!

     I get so angry when I think of this, “you’re alive”. I’m alive!! Wow. I am alive, but what kind of life is this?!! I understand, some victims don’t even survive their attack. I did, how lucky! Sometimes I wished that he had killed me. I know it sounds bad, but he killed a part of me that night he came into me. He continued to kill a part of me every single night there after.

   What kind of a life is this, when most of the time I can’t understand me? Some days I am fine, while most are as if living a nightmare. I can’t sleep at nights. And when I do, I wake up from nightmares. Horrible vivid nightmares, that make me physically sick the whole day. I hate feeling scared. Looking over my shoulder all the time. Not trusting anyone. Living with the fear of getting hurt. Sleeping with a knife under my bed, just in case. Not opening the door to anyone in fear that it might be him. Not answering the phone for fear of hearing his voice. Avoiding going out by myself for fear that I might run into him. I am so scared of life. I try not to show emotion, because if I do someone might take advantage of it. If I let my guard done, I will get hurt. If I love, it might get interpreted as I want to have sex. If I smile and laugh, I am having to much of a good time and I don’t deserve to be happy. I am even so afraid to cry, because if I do I am afraid that I will not be able to stop. I’m of afraid of sharing in a loving relationship with my bf. I fear that he will have control over me if I really allow him to get any closer. I feel that he will use what he knows about me against me. Ashamed of what I allowed you to do to me. I don’t eat. Most of the time I’m either to nauseated or I’m just to tired to even want to eat. I feel sick most days. Sick to my stomach. I get horrible headaches, especially when I haven’t slept. There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed. Days that I feel nothing. Numb. I don’t feel happy, sad, angry, or afraid. I’m just there. No feelings. I ask myself, “Am I alive?”. I like this days, because at least I don’t have to deal with anything. Then there are the days that I hate everything. I hate my life, what he has done to it. I hate what I have become. What he has made me. What he has taken away from me. I can never get it back! I hate everything even myself. I hate me for allowing it to happen. For allowing him to manipulate me. For destroying myself because of him. Anger!! Angry at everything, especially at my family. For not protecting and supporting me! For calling me the horrible names. For blaming me. Angry at everything and everyone around me. I am angry at me, for allowing all of what he did defeat me. I am angry that no matter how much help I’m getting I am not seeing any progress. I’m just so fed up! I am tired of living. Living this way!! Living in this nightmare!

    “At least you’re alive.” Is this LIFE?!! I would’ve rather wished that he had killed me that day! At least the nightmare would have ended! I’m slowly dying anyway!!