It’s been two months since I started counseling. I feel so frustrated, I haven’t seen any progress. My therapist is very nice. She seems very caring. Sometimes I feel that I am just wasting her time. I haven’t talked about what actually happened. I usually just talk about things that are bothering me at that moment. And most the time I am just quiet. I am afraid to say it out loud. I am afraid that if I say it. I wont be able to deal with my emotions. I don’t feel strong enough to do it right now. I don’t want to deal right now. I am not as strong as I thought I was. All this feelings. I am afraid to relive it. As it is, just having to go to therapy makes me physically sick. The day of therapy I can’t sleep, I get up very anxious, my TMJ is aggravated ( my jaw feels as if I was punched), I get palpitations, and I don’t eat that whole day because I am so nauseated. The little I do eat, I throw up. Why do I hurt myself this way? I’ve lived ok without any help. If I feel this bad and I haven’t brought it up yet, how am I going to feel when I do. My nightmares are becoming worse since I started counseling. I don’t understand why.
How do I begin talking about it? I can say what happened, but having to share my emotions is hard. Where do I start? Do I start from when I was 6 years old, when I was 13 years old, or do I just start when I left at 19 years old and screwed up all my life? How does that work? I don’t want pity, I want help. I want someone to help me sort all this. I don’t want to breakdown.
Hey honey i know how you feel. Its hard at first to speak out. I was silent for over 10 years. When i first started speaking about it, my emotions went haywire. I was always crying myself to sleep. I would even start cutting myself so i can relieve the pain from the emotions. I would get flashbacks. Even til now the memories are still fresh in my head. The fact that i stayed living in that house until recently bugged me. My stepfather molested me from the ages of like 8 9 til about 13 14. My mother doesnt know because when i had told her my uncle also molested me she did nothing about it. Anyway what i am saying is that it is going to be hard. The more i started talking about the more comfort i felt because i started talking to other survivors. I have not sought justice myself but i am safe now. I am using my voice to shed light on this issue of silence. The give a voice to those who do not have one. I am here whenever you need to you. You can email me too if you like. my email is taracl1987@yahoo.com Take care honey. I hope you can get to a point where you trust your therapist and let her know how you feel and everything. You will be ok. You can make it. you are not alone.
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