Another Sleepless Night

It's going to be a long night. All of a sudden I just burst into tears. I hate this feeling. Not being able to sleep. Trying to calm myself down by listening to music, but hasn't helped. I hate this. I hate feeling alone. Alone. Overwhelmed about this situation. My life is just so complicated right now. How do I pretend that nothing happened? I want to be brave and think positive, but it's difficult when all I can remember is being there. Feeling cold and afraid. Afraid of what of not understanding what was going on. I pretend or at least try to convince myself that nothing you did to me can hurt me anymore, but it is still so vivid in my mind. Your smell, your touch, your dirty hands, your perverted words. How can that go away? No matter how much I blast the radio to drown the thoughts, it's still so difficult. It's like having a recorder in my head, playing the same terror movie over and over and over again. No matter how many years have passed it's still as if it was yesterday. I try not to take myself there, but how can I, when any little thing reminds me of you. You, you did this to me. It's worse at night, when darkness falls. The silence just drives me  crazy. I try to sleep, but am afraid too. Any sound even the softest frightens me. Reminds me of when you used to come and do what you need and leave. I try to sleep, but am to afraid of closing my eyes and seeing your huge shadow standing over my bed.  When I do fall asleep, I usually awaken to a feeling of you on top of me. Not being able to move. The horrible suffocating feeling of you.